I’m cranky today. So I have decided to take this time to write a letter to the checkout people at my Publix. I just want to clear the air so that from now on, I don’t have to make conversation, I can just hand them a copy of this letter and be done with it. Let me preface this by saying I hate grocery shopping. I would rather be doing just about anything other than reading Kim Kardashian tweets or getting a mammogram, but a girl’s gotta eat so...(A girl’s gotta drink too but the folks at ABC liquor GET IT. They keep their head down and don’t judge me when I come running in with a martini shaker on a Friday night, screaming out “Hurry! Where are the olives?” and then, grab a jar of jalapeno olives off the shelf, and immediately dump a bunch in as soon as they ring me up. THAT’S how you do business!)
So anyway, here is a list of answers to questions the Publix folks like to throw at me. Let’s hope this takes care of that making friendly conversation problem.
- Yes this is a mop. Yes it DOES look like a really good mop. What? You’ve been needing to buy a mop too? Fascinating. Haa haa,yes...it does look like the mop head is washable. You’re kidding. Your mother still only uses sponge mops? Wow. I have an idea, shut up and put it in the cart.
- Yes I did notice that if I buy five cartons of Publix soda the fifth one is free. However, I’ve been thinking lately that I really want to hold on to the teeth in my mouth, so I think I will just take this six pack of diet Coke for today. What? Your kids drink that stuff like it’s going out of style? I would have never guessed. What say we just go ahead and load that into the cart for now, before the top of my head explodes or I end up stabbing you with my car key?
- Yup, this is a dog bone. Haa haa haa, yes he IS one spoiled dog. What? He is an English mastiff. Oh, about 140 pounds I guess. Yes, I know. You already said that is one giant dog bone. Oh wow, how interesting. You have a dog that weighs only 10 pounds? You’re right it probably would take years for him to finish chewing this bone. How bout loading it in the car before my 13 year old mastiff succumbs to old age and I return to find him fossilized on the floor waiting for his rawhide?
- Yes, SOMEBODY IS making spaghetti sauce. Yes these are the best tomatoes to use which is why I am buying them. Yes you will have to try them. Nope. Not putting any meat in this one. Yep, I agree. Any sauce can taste great with browned up beef in it. No that’s okay. I don’t want you to send the bagger to get me a hunk. What I do want is for you to load these tomatoes into double bags, and let me get the hell out of here before I start to cry.
- Please, NO! I DO NOT WANT HELP OUT TO MY CAR. Not that I would not enjoy you accompanying me to the parking lot where I will no doubt wander for a few minutes looking for my car while you regale me with your Superbowl party plans and the chili dip your sister in law will be bringing, and even though you hate her new boyfriend because he drinks all the beer and doesn’t bring any, you DO love her chili dip. Thanks anyway. I can get it.
Finally, yes I have coupons. On my counter right next to my sunglasses that I also forgot. We all know that’s not going to help me at this point. So please, just ring me up, let me pay, and let’s both move on with the rest of our day. I can tell the woman behind me is dying to tell you about her Swiffer.
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