Posts

My Pretty /Ugly Day

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Saturday morning I woke up and made a decision. "Tonight we are going to watch the movie Split," I declared to Mike. I am interested in it because it's about a guy with twenty-three personalities, to which I can totally relate because of what happened to me on Thursday. Kind of a long story, but basically,  I decided to go to the mall and treat myself to a Sephora makeover. Who better to tell me how to camouflage the deflated balloons below my eyes than a seventeen-year-old nymph who has just finished her lunch of  PBand J and a juice box.


I don't know what it is but when I sit down at a makeup counter it's like I have been slipped a date rape drug. I wake up 30 minutes later, looking like the clown from It, and worse, agreeing with the tot that "Yes it really DOES highlight my features and  it looks SO natural!" Is it the mirrors? The lighting? Is there something pumped into the air that causes me to believe that I have just taken ten years off my fac…

The Graduate and Captain Jack

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Well, it turns out there IS light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Last week I went to the UT Advising Office, or what is officially known as The Student Success Center, to get help choosing my classes for the fall semester. See, I am that person who will think they are graduating in a few weeks and then find I am blocked from ordering my cap and gown and formal announcements with pre-printed gold embossed envelopes, and graduation photo session and college ring upgraded with my birthstone, because I never took the one hour Freshman Seminar on how to log on to the school computers. So, I don't make a MOVE without checking with these people first.

Anyway, I get called back to  the inner sanctum and sit across the desk from Heather who is younger than my youngest daughter and who I believe may be wearing slippers. And she pulls up my file on the computer as I start telling her that I am taking the Writing and Research class and Chemistry for Society and I notice she is frowning…

Eat, Drink And Be Merry in Class

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I know, I know...you haven't heard from me in a while. I must apologize, but between rushing for the Tri Delta Zeta Phi Epsilon Thetas, my cheerleading tryouts, running the campus television station and working on my KOKO FOR STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT campaign, I have just been slammed.

Kidding.

Yes I am back in college and yes, I am totally loving it. In case it has been a while since you have been on a college campus, let me tell you things have changed. A lot. Here are some of the things that are going on:

1. Back in my day, we had to wear CLOTHES to class. This is no longer a requirement. Apparently, you are now allowed to attend class in sports bras and mini-shorts which are shorter than my I FEEL SO FAT TODAY underpants. I think the students have re-written the Campus Rule Book. It's like, You may choose to wear a loose tank over your sports bra, but of course that is totally optional. We want you to be comfortable.

Also, it is perfectly okay to wear pajamas to your class i…

Egg McMuffins and Life Changing Moments

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New Years Day has come and gone and already I have broken my one resolution which was to actually use the new work out pants I got at SteinMart.  I had grabbed them on impulse as I was heading for the checkout lane with my 2 for 1 Wacoal bras and a box of stemless wine glasses I was giving my sister as a Christmas gift, since I had broken hers when I added one of those giant ice cubes to my Chardonnay. As I held  the brightly colored stretchy little tights in my hot little hand I told myself,  I am going to do  my abdominal exercises every day. I MUST STRENGTHEN MY CORE! And I did do them for like four days and then I'm not sure how my core was doing but I did notice my lower back sending me little messages  like, "You're kidding right? Fuck this." I still love the pants though, I have to find some place where it is acceptable to wear them, other than a gym I mean.

Anyway, I was telling my mother as I do every year that I had such high hopes of getting my tummy tigh…

Back To School at 56. Don't Be Hazin'

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A few months ago, I made a monumental decision, even bigger than when I decided to subscribe to HULU, although I already have Netflix and Amazon Prime Video. Now I can watch creepy, weird detective shows on BBC from 32 years ago, if I so desire. NOTHING gets past me. Well... this decision is much bigger than that—I have decided to go back to college. Yes, AGAIN.

This time is different though, because this time I am determined to get my degree. It's going to happen. Last time I had too much going on. I was in the midst of a divorce after a 27 year marriage and was getting text messages from my lawyer during my World Religion Class: lifetime alimony a no go but you DO get to keep the wine fridge and half of the Tumi luggage. See bill for 10k below.
I was getting text messages from my 15 year old daughter during Tecninical Editing class: hi mom, just letting you know that my friend Topaz is coming over to hang out. She's bringing her new pit bull puppy! Which I learned was code …

Election Exhaustion And Women I Love

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I know, I know. We didn't think he could do it. But he did it. And the country is in an uproar. And more importantly, I am very tired. Are you guys tired? I woke up Wednesday in such an emotionally exhausted state. I was in a foggy haze worse than when I woke up in my hospital room after I had had my first child and saw her in that little baby thing on wheels next to my bed, and I was like "Who the hell is this now, I'm trying to sleep" until it hit me, "Oh yeah, I had a baby a few hours ago." I mean I was totally wiped.

Yup, we are pretty beat. And you people who are really into the whole political thing must be really tired. I love my country and I care about who runs it, of course I vote, but beyond that, I stay out of it.  I figure, you know, those guys have it covered. They probably don't need my help. As a matter of fact the closest I ever got to being involved in politics is when I ran for Junior Class Secretary in high school. The only reason I …

An Exciting Recommendation From the TV Show Whisperer

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Three things I am not afraid to admit: 1. I Love Barry Manilow. I still cry when Ready to Take A Chance Again plays on my ipod as I am pulling into Publix. 2. Sometimes I only PRETEND to turn up the resistance on my spin bike and then act like it’s super hard to pedal and 3. I am addicted to TV. Not only am I addicted,I am actually sort of like a TV Show Whisperer. My friends will text me, “Help! Just finished Downton Abby and need a show!” And I can recommend something they will love based on what I know about their television habits. Documentaries? Got a list of them for you. Sitcoms? Not my thing but I know the best of what you’re looking for.Offbeat foreign series? I totally got you covered.
My thing? I love shows that center around women. I guess that’s because I am one and I like to see how other women handle their shit.Do all of us hide a secret bag of potato chips behind the purses in our closet?Do all of us keep those size 2 skinny jeans knowing the day will come when our t…