It also includes my weekly therapy session, because as many of you know, I do struggle with anxiety. And before you judge, realize I come by this condition honestly because, 1. I'm Jewish. 2. I'm menopausal. 3. I'm the mother of 4 adults, one of whom texted me the other day and asked me what color her eyes were when she was filling out a passport application. So, come on, let's not throw stones. Anyway, the thing with weekly therapy is that when you are in crisis, it is invaluable. You know that in just a few days you will meet with a trained professional who will talk you down and make you see that whatever you are dealing with is probably not going to end in a catastrophic death, the need to declare bankruptcy or jail time.
However, during that rare week when all is well, it is basically an hour worth of awkward silences where you try to think of something to get help with as your ex husband has put a waiver on your insurance that does not allow for any mental health reimbursement. So, you hear the minutes ticking by and realize each one costs a dollar and you have to say something. So a session might go like this:
THERAPIST: What would you like to talk about this week?
ME: (heart racing THINK OF SOMETHING! THINK OF SOMETHING!) Well, I'm really upset about my hair.
THERAPIST: I see. And why is that?
ME: (Holding up a piece of hair on my head that sticks up like Alfalfa's)Look don't you think this is too short?
THERAPIST: (thinking of her waiting room full of suicidal patients) Okay, well if there's nothing else see you next week.
Okay, so my week also includes my job search. Every week I apply for jobs which is a big step for me because it means overcoming the fear that I will actually get one. And lo and behold I get an email from one of the companies I sent a resume to that says "We are impressed with your resume and would like to talk with you further." And the job is for an editor of a "large publication." And I am like OMG this is it. Immediately I think of that Tumi briefcase I always wanted and wonder if it has a slide in pocket for my laptop. And also, do I need to get some pant suits so that I look professional? I mean being an editor of a large publication, I want to be dressed to impress, yet appear approachable to all the writers who will be coming to me for my valuable writing advice. I once tried on a pantsuit that instead of a jacket had a long hanging vest. It made me look like Maude. Maybe skirts and kitten heels...
The letter goes on to say "We would like to schedule a skype call at 3:00. Would you please check out our website so that you are familiar with our publication before the phone call." And I emailed back "Of course, Looking forward to it!" which I thought sounded excited but not desperate.
And I go to the site and as I'm waiting for it to download I'm thinking, maybe it's a fashion magazine, or better yet, a news publication! Maybe an entertainment e-zine where I can write weekly wrap ups of the Real Housewives of wherever. Which will lead to my interviews on Entertainment Tonight, which could lead to a job and me having to move to Los Angeles —I mean so much to think about.
Finally the download is complete and the screen comes alive with...well...vaginas. And boobs. It is a "Gentleman's Quarterly" apparently. And of course all visions of briefcases and kitten heels went right out the window. And I emailed back, "Thank you so much for the opportunity to speak with you but based on my current line of work, I don't think this is a fit for me." And that was the last I heard from them. And of course, my current line of work is sitting on my bed writing blogs hoping to inspire women and also make them laugh, and working on a book that will one day be read by millions. Okay, thousands. Okay, hundreds. Okay, my immediate family.
There is a bright spot in this experience however...I already have my topic for my next week's therapy session! So, there's that...
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