Getting Soft in Prison

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have an irrational fear of going to prison. I’m pretty sure it started in college when I went to see Midnight Express. Two things I remember from College: the Mexican casserole the cafeteria served on Wednesdays, (7 layers with REAL tortillas,) and Brad Davis wasting away in a Turkish prison after getting beaten for stealing a gnarly blanket. Just thinking about it can cause my IBS to flare up.

So, I feel for Teresa Giudice, as she begins her 15 month prison term, leaving her four daughters and piece of crap husband to fend for themselves, in their mansion, that by the way, is for sale if anyone is interested in purchasing a home that is over 10,000 square feet, with an onyx kitchen sink and marble stairways. I believe for the right price they will throw in their meat slicer and panini sandwich maker. I would definitely write that into the offer—never hurts to ask.

Anyway, being the Real Housewives of Everywhere junkie that I am, I have been reading up on her final days at home and her entrance into prison life which began this week, and really I am actually starting to feel better about this whole prison thing. Frankly, it doesn’t sound that bad.

First off, the commissary sounds awesome. Apparently you come with cash and start an account that you use to pay for stuff, sort of like a jail house PayPal.  According to my sources, you can purchase tweezers, hair dye, lip gloss and toothbrushes, hard or soft, for a fraction of the price I pay in CVS even on double coupon days. $4.20 for a four pack of Charmin, as opposed to the sand paper I buy in bulk at Costco? I'll take that deal! So, I don’t know where the women from Cellblock 6-Female LockUp are shopping, but come on ladies, let’s at least try and make an effort! A little lip gloss can brighten up the whole face!

Guess what! You also get to have snacks, and I don't mean raisins and a juice box. You can choose from Dove Bars, Hummus, Oreos and what's this? Cilantro Cubes? What the hell is that? They don't even have those at Fresh Market! Only a woman's prison carries these epicurean delicacies. Keep in mind this is above and beyond the three squares you get each day. This really puts a whole new spin on the prison thing for me. It's enough to keep me from sharting next time I get pulled over for rolling through a stop sign.

Since Teresa has written several cook books, she has requested that her work detail be in the kitchen. I mean, I like to make an occasional chili in the crock pot, but I don't know that I want to work in a kitchen for 15 months. Maybe I could be in charge of the media room, you know keeping the Tivo programmed and the Pandora on the right stations. I became an expert on handing out bottled waters when I worked at the spa, not to mention my deft ability at folding the fitted sheet now, so I will be totally marketable in prison. Finally, a place where my talents will be appreciated.

So here's how I picture my typical day in prison. I wake up where I will immediately be served a carb laden breakfast. From there I will head to my work detail, where me and the girls will dish about that weird girl in cellblock 2. Around 10:30 or so, I will go to the commissary and get my snack, maybe a sleeve of Oreos, or a wild berry yogurt. Back to work until lunch when I WILL BE SERVED a satisfying meal. After lunch I will get some exercise, or maybe do some yoga in the yard, and then hit the commissary again for a light snack, I think Hummus, as dinner is just a few hours away.

After dinner, I will hit the media room with the gals, where we will all sit around watching The Bachelor and eating our Dove bars. Then just when I feel myself beginning to tire, it's lights out!
You know what? It sounds just like home, except I don't have to cook and the toilet paper is better.

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  1. What can I do to join you? Maybe we can binge watch "Orange Is The New Black" on Netflix?


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