Help From a True Patriot

This is President Obamas' lucky day.  I happen to be between jobs right now.  My last one was at Just Pants, at the mall in 1976.  Therefore I have some free time and an unbelievable offer for him.  I will run the National Park System for a nominal fee and the waiving of my IRS bill.  Providing of course I can do it from my home office, where I have a reliable computer and internet service, and not on Fridays, as that is my Pilates/Publix free samples day.  Oh-and I need weekends off to chill and catch up on Project Runway.  Tim Gunn, if you are reading this, I ADORE YOU!

As far as staffing goes, I have four able bodied children who would love a chance to see America.  I can use my mileage to get them there if President O will just make up the difference, he can use my Sky Miles number. My daughters can sell tickets while my boys walk around picking up bear shit and stuff.  One warning to the American public, based on things I have seen, and I will not go into specifics here, probably not a good idea to go into the restrooms unless it’s an emergency.  My boys never really got the whole flushing thing and my girls used their bathroom as a bathroom/kitchen/living room area, so...enter at your own risk.

I have to admit, I do have a personal interest in this.  Recently my sister won a free condo for a week in Arizona.  I immediately rearranged my entire schedule, (aka set DVR) and purchased a ticket.  Woot woot!  Here we come.  A week filled of spiritual retreats, cactus staring and hiking in America's wonderlands.  

I believe the spiritual retreats are still open, however, instead of hiking the breathtaking Arizona trails, we will now be mall walking with the ladies from Sun City Grande, who arrive by courier van, push their walkers from Nordstroms' to Sears, have a hot tea and then get hoisted back into the van so they can make it back in time for water aerobics.  

This does not seem fair.  This is worse than when I went for Lobster Happy Hour (1 1/2 pound lobster for 9.99!!) and they ran out, so I got a rain check and a pound of boiled shrimp.  Worse than the time I got my days mixed up and went to the local museum to see the dress exhibit of my much beloved Princess Diana.  Imagine my heart break when I discovered the exhibit had closed the day before and was replaced with "The Evolution of the American Shovel."  (The earliest record of a shovel in America, was about 3000 BC, probably because they hadn't come up with that cool claw thing we have now for picking up dog poop and their lawns were strewn with dinosaur droppings.)

Anyway, I am willing to devote my time and supreme organization skills, not to mention my children and their many talents, to making sure my fellow Americans do not suffer the same disappointments I have in the past.  President Obama, I am all yours, Monday thru Thursday 10-5.  Let's open for business.


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