"We had a good time on the walk the other day. Let's do it again."
I saw the message on my iphone, this morning and immediately became concerned. Why is M becoming so needy? He just left for work a few hours ago, if he was needing special attention, couldn't he have just said it then? I mean, I was right beside him all night and he seemed very happy with his Words With Friends game while I was totally caught up in Sister Wives. I hope he's not going to become like that needy match.com date I had, where during our first cup of coffee at Dunkin, he suggested I may want to meet his mother later that afternoon. Not to mention, I don't remember us even taking a walk. M is a runner and will be done with 4 miles, showered and watching Golf, while I'm still trying to find a comfortable pair of socks to wear with my tennis shoes, so what the hell? Is my dog Rudy texting now?
Then I saw the signature, iRunner. UGH. God, You take one walk with the thing and the next thing you know, it expects to be invited to dinner parties and hang out with you and your friends at the pool. Frankly, I don't even think it has been honest with me and srsly, I cannot be in a relationship built on dishonesty. Last week we DID walk together and it was like 95 degrees outside and I must have walked about two miles, which according to my calculations should have burned up about 20,000 calories, and I was already looking forward to my much earned treat of frozen yogurt drenched in hot caramel sauce. When I pressed the Calories Burned button, and saw 75, I thought, you lying bastard. Dude. We are SO done.
Now of course, I feel guilty, I mean he obviously worries about my health and well being, and I hate being the source of worry for anybody, other than my parents, sisters, children, extended family, M, friends, acquaintances and new dentist. Of course, I am not new to guilt; believe me. I have done things to my children that I will never forgive myself for, such as leaving them in a running car with the doors unlocked while I ran into a restaurant to retrieve a sweater and giving my four year old daughter cherry Life Savers to keep her quiet on an airplane, which she immediately choked on and narrowly avoided death only by the quick thinking of a helpful, (yet somewhat judgemental) flight attendant. I have started a therapy fund for each of my children to help relieve my deep remorse.
This relationship was going to have to end. I decided the best way to handle it was the old, "It's not you, it's me.."
"Listen iRunner, you need someone who can fulfill you and bring out the best in you. Someone who enjoys exercising in the blazing Florida heat, which has been known to kill people who are just standing around looking at dolphins while eating an ice cream cone. You deserve someone who isn't repulsed by their own sweat and who doesn't feel the need to wear an under wire bra under their sports bra and then cover that with their ex husbands XXL t-shirt that says JUST CHILLAX. Someone who doesn't wear the same pair of sneakers for running, walking, playing tennis, spinning, Zumba and step aerobics, possibly someone who doesn't even use the word, sneakers. Someone who doesn't mind looking like a Greyhound who just crossed the finish line, when their hair is plastered to their head with perspiration. Yes, iPhone runner, this is what I wish for you.
Now go iRunner, go out into the world with my blessing and find that special someone. Don't worry about me, I will be fine."
A large berry vanilla swirl, covered in hot caramel.
Another relationship has ended. Let the healing begin.
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