Friday, May 17, 2013

A Lot On My Plate


Buy a lottery ticket, say yes to an opportunity, explore an idea - do something to capitalize on the luck that is flowing your way now, Leo. Can you feel the vibe? Can you sense that something has shifted, and that your luck is growing increasingly fabulous? You need to be ready, willing, and able to take on any positive chance that comes your way. You need to be aware of the power you now have to change your life for the better. Your intuition is astoundingly accurate - something has shifted. Your luck is on the upswing!

This morning I read my horoscope and immediately went back to bed with my computer waiting for the good news to come my way.  I checked my email for job offers, publishers reaching out with a 10k advance, or an Ellen DeGeneres'  staff member wanting to book me for her show.  Nothing.  Refresh.  Refresh. Refresh.

Wait a minute!  I just got a text!  At this point I will settle for a message from ALDO SHOES saying they CAN get the black gladiator sandals in a 9 AAA.  Yes, that would be increasingly, fabulous luck, as my old black gladiator sandals now resemble the shoes Charlton Heston wore in Ben Hur.   

Alas, it is not from ALDO, but from my ex husband's new wife. Could it be she is reaching out to make amends?  I agree, it's time to bury the hatchet and co-exist peacefully.  Perhaps she wants to meet for lunch or coffee.  We can have a girl's day out, shooting the breeze and then doing a little shopping. (I am not sharing a dressing room, that is where I draw the line.)   Better yet, perhaps a nice dinner out, where we sit like two grown up ladies drinking martinis.  I'm definitely feeling the  let's be friends vibe.

WTF?  The text reads as follows, "Amy, it is ___  We want to hang a TV on the lanai and the metal plate is missing?  Do you have the metal plate? We need the metal plate."

I'm starting to feel the "Dude. Seriously?" vibe.  I lived in that house for 7 years with 4 teenagers.  I spent months packing it up, and trying to figure out how to discard cracked bongs found beneath beds without alerting the drug squad.  I could have paid my taxes had I taken all the empty Red Bull cans found in closets and cabinets to the recycling center.  I packed up 27 years of kitchen knick knacks, family China, and saved t -ball uniforms.  I emptied closets, bathroom cabinets, (still having PTSD from what I found under there,) and sat on the floor days at a time crying over boxes of photos.

Yes, when the day came and I walked out of that house for the last time leaving memories and beautiful Persian Pearl granite behind, I suddenly thought, "Wait! She can have my husband and my beautiful home but she is NOT getting the metal plate on the lanai wall!"

So, what do I text back?  How about, "I'm so sorry, I was awarded the metal plate in the divorce settlement.  Speak to my attorney." 

But no, I can afford to be generous and magnanimous.  My luck is on the upswing!  I answered,  "I did not take that TV so I do not have the metal plate.  Sorry.  Hope all is well."
She texted back, "Thank you, same to you," which I think means "I know you have the metal plate you evil bitch." 

Yes.  Something tells me she doesn't quite buy my story and we all know my intuition is astoundingly accurate.











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