Man Sized Bird Pecks Woman's Eyes Out

The other day I was driving to the gym (PSYCH!) and I saw one of our gorgeous, big Florida birds walking along the side of the road,  dragging something behind him.  It took me a minute to realize it was his wing, barely still attached to his otherwise intact body.  OMG I panicked.  Maybe I DO step over the homeless people in New York, although one time I did give a man in a carboard box, an unopened jar of black olive tapenade that the guy in the salami store had thrown in my bag by accident. I hate tapenade of any kind.   However, I love animals.  They get to my heart, I will stop my car to move turtles out of the road and flip earth worms that have washed up onto the sidewalk back into the grass.  It's just people that bug me.

Anyway, I knew I had to do something but what?    I called my sister V in NYC, (her 5 emmy statues have now, totally replaced my children's pictures at my parent's house,) who has two rescue dogs and spends more money on these two dogs than I have spent on my four kids college educations.
"OMG I just saw something horrible."
"Dont tell me!  I don't want to know!  Stop right now!"
"It has nothing to do with mom!"
"I dont care, I dont want to know."
"Okay I won't tell you."
"Hey, I was just wondering,  what would you do if you were driving down the street and saw a wounded bird walking with a broken wing?"
"OMG! Put him in your car and take him to the bird sanctuary in Indian Rocks Beach.  Hurry. Wrap him in a sheet and get him over there!"
"Will do."

So here's the thing, I do have a sheet in the car, from that time I had to bring a dripping, rotten turkey breast back to Publix but do I want to jump out of a car and try to wrestle a big, wild, person sized bird into it?  After I get him into it do I put him in the seat next to me or in the back?  What if he starts pecking me in the eyes while I am driving?  What if he starts pulling my hair out, which is already having trouble holding it's own?  Also, what if I am late for my botox appointment.  Okay, yes that is where I am going and Dr. C is leaving for his vacation home for thirty days as of tomorrow.  In 30 days my forehead will be down by my nose.  It is a real quandry I am in.

Suddenly  I get an idea.  Maybe, the folks at the bird santuary would come and GET the bird.  I mean don't they drive around in little bird ambulances, policing the streets, looking for just this situation?
I could call them, tell them where the poor thing is and they can send a bird van, or a helicopter for medivac.  This makes the most sense.

I call Sprint 411, which I realize will kick my bill up by about 14.99, (they now insist on automatically texting the number to you, which is great as I am sure I will be making a lot of calls to the Seaside Bird Sanctuary,) but if saving this bird costs me 14.99 I will make the sacrifice.  I know, yes it's true, I am very philanthropic.  They start to put my call automatically through when I get a terrible thought and press the END button on my crackberry.  What if they tell me to wrap the bird in a sheet and bring him in?  What can I say, "Um, I would rather not, he may peck my eyes out and I am late for a botox appointment?"  I have a flash of brilliance.  I will tell them I can't because I have a small child in the car and I can't risk it.  I dont' like to lie...usually....(that does not include the weight section on my profile,) but I will do it in order to save this bird.

I hit the Call button and start the rescue.
"Good morning, Seaside Bird Sanctuary"
"Oh yes, hi, um, do you guys pick up wounded birds?"
"If we have someone available, where is the bird you are concerned about?"
"OMG!  He is on 19 and Curlew and he is walking with a broken wing, and he is gray and like the size of a man."
"We have already had several calls on this one, and we do have someone coming out."
"Oh thank goodness. Thanks a lot."

Well, I think my work here is done.  Please, it's no big deal.  Just another selfless, giving, member of the community, taking care of a helpless bird, while on the way to get her forehead frozen in place.

Ex-Wife New Life: living life newly single at 50 while overcoming the pain of divorce and moving on. Visit us @ OR participate @


  1. You are one funny lady. I ran across your blog and from the url assumed we'd have little in common (I'm a hopeful/naive-about-marriage twenty-something). WOAH was I wrong! Even if we had nothing in common, you'd still be hilarious. As it is, I laugh especially hard because I know exactly what you're talking about. You have perfectly balanced self-deprecating humor and you write so candidly--i love it. Keep up the great work!


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