Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I'm In Charge

I know it's none of my business, however,  I have it on very good authority that my ex bought Giselle a Gucci backpack last month.  This, while I am adding water to my ketchup bottle to get me through the last Oscar Mayer hot dog.    My alimony check, which is supposedly enough to last me a month, (sure if I live on hamburger helper and generic pop tarts, ) just isn't going the distance.  Someone suggested that perhaps I may want to sit myself down and go over my spending habits, and see where I may be able to cut back. I have already gone from Bobbi Brown to L'oreal, from Boar's Head to Oscar Mayer and from private Pilates sessions to group, where I was horrified to discover that wiping down the reformer is now MY  job.  Gross.

Obviously there's only one thing to do.  I'll order a credit card.  How easy is this?  Name, address, social security number and then sit back and wait for that baby to arrive in the mail box.  I am super pist that I didn't think of this before!  I cringe when I think of all those sad, lonely boots I left staring at me from the Nordstrom's sale rack, like little puppy dogs, crying out "Pick me, pick me!"   I have gone so long between waxes that the technician cries louder than I do, (Oh lady,,,why you wait so long time?) not to mention having to buy drug store shampoo that makes my hair look like a cross between Moe and Shemp.  Hey, Aveda Salon..I'M BACK BABY!!

I promise I will use restraint and not go crazy, this is strictly for necessities and other stuff I need.  Or, maybe I will just put it aside and use it for vacations and the occasional piece of jewelry, either way, it's a win win.  I fantasize about what my new card will look like, I mean I know my days of black plastic are over, (unless it's my new evening bag from Target,) but I like those shiny gold ones or the see through clear ones too, very cool.

Finally,  I open the mailbox,  and I see the envelope, with VISA in the corner in huge, gold letters.  OMG, could I be a gold member or something like that based on my past spending?  Seriously if this is a platinum Visa I will shit!  I tear the envelope open right there in the street and look at my new best friend.  Um, when did they start making them out of white cardboard?

Only then do I read my letter welcoming me to the Visa family and congratulating me on my credit limit of $300.00  with an interest rate of 17% and 0 cash allowance.  Apparently, with my start up fees, I am already like $32.00 in the hole.  How could this happen, was it because I left the occupation line blank on the application?  Or is it because Mr. Visa looked at my monthly income and figured out that after I pay my electric bill and buy a six pack of Smart waters, there's not a whole lot left for him?

Okay so I am formulating a new plan, this one includes a 7 Eleven, my new Visa card and 268.00 worth of scratch off lottery tickets.  If one of these cards works out for me,  there may even be a Big Gulp in my future.





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