HELP Wanted

     Okay, it's really becoming obvious that I may have to...work.  Please bear with me, this is a totally new concept in my world.  This was not how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to get divorced, get a huge lump settlement, buy a two story townhouse and a vacation home, and have spa days.  I did not expect to be purusing Craig's list, looking for jobs under the ETC section.
Here are some possibilities:
1.   "Needed:  alternative female models."  Alternative to what?
2.  "Are you a MILF?  Amateur Adult Female Actress Needed."  Sounds good, I will call and check on insurance and vacation benefits.
3.  "Hunters Wanted." I live in Florida.  I guess we are going after gators.
4.  "Wildlife Removal, Sales Technician."  Ew.
5.  "NAUI Scuba Instructor. " Maybe I can fake it.
I think it would be easier to advertise myself on Craig's list with the jobs I am interested in. Here are a few I think might work:

1.  Sign twirler:  This would be a great workout for my arms, and I don't think you have to work nights as you would risk the chance of being run down in the median.
2.  Dog walker:  As you know, I do this daily and already have the uniform.
3.  Waitress:  There is no stretch here.  I am an expert.
4.  Surrogate Mother:  Now this was something I excelled at.  I mean the pregnant part, not the mother part.    I can pop out a baby and give the awaiting couple a receipt...ONE BABY.  $15,000.00.   We Appreciate Your Business-Come Back and See Us!
5.  Physician Assistant:  Who would make a better PA than a Jewish hypochondriac?   Have I not watched every surgery show on Discovery like 100 times?
6.  Olive Stuffer:  There is obviously a shortage of these trained individuals.
7.  Top Chef Judge:  OMG.  My two favorite things-food and reality TV and I am an expert on both.  I have been known to gain five pounds during a Top Chef marathon so benefits would have to include a gym membership.
8.  Divorce Mediator:  Bring it.
9.  Trucker's Companion:  This would involve me riding long distances with truckers, and talking incessantly so they don't fall asleep while driving.  Saving lives while seeing the world.
10.  English Princess:  I am so cut out for this.  Although I adored Princess Diana, I would probably  be more of the balcony waving type of princess instead of the visiting AIDs patients kind, though I am not adverse to doing ribbon cuttings and occasional appearances on Good Morning America.  Also, I think the Queen, Camilla  and I would really enjoy hanging out,  drinking soy chais at Starbucks, and talking about that tramp Pippa.

     So consider this my official coming out as a working woman.  And please, if you know of anyone looking for a 50 year old MILF who enjoys hunting, give them my number.

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