Okay, it's really becoming obvious that I may have to...work. Please bear with me, this is a totally new concept in my world. This was not how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to get divorced, get a huge lump settlement, buy a two story townhouse and a vacation home, and have spa days. I did not expect to be purusing Craig's list, looking for jobs under the ETC section.
Here are some possibilities:
1. "Needed: alternative female models." Alternative to what?
2. "Are you a MILF? Amateur Adult Female Actress Needed." Sounds good, I will call and check on insurance and vacation benefits.
3. "Hunters Wanted." I live in Florida. I guess we are going after gators.
4. "Wildlife Removal, Sales Technician." Ew.
5. "NAUI Scuba Instructor. " Maybe I can fake it.
I think it would be easier to advertise myself on Craig's list with the jobs I am interested in. Here are a few I think might work:
1. Sign twirler: This would be a great workout for my arms, and I don't think you have to work nights as you would risk the chance of being run down in the median.
2. Dog walker: As you know, I do this daily and already have the uniform.
3. Waitress: There is no stretch here. I am an expert.
4. Surrogate Mother: Now this was something I excelled at. I mean the pregnant part, not the mother part. I can pop out a baby and give the awaiting couple a receipt...ONE BABY. $15,000.00. We Appreciate Your Business-Come Back and See Us!
5. Physician Assistant: Who would make a better PA than a Jewish hypochondriac? Have I not watched every surgery show on Discovery like 100 times?
6. Olive Stuffer: There is obviously a shortage of these trained individuals.
7. Top Chef Judge: OMG. My two favorite things-food and reality TV and I am an expert on both. I have been known to gain five pounds during a Top Chef marathon so benefits would have to include a gym membership.
8. Divorce Mediator: Bring it.
9. Trucker's Companion: This would involve me riding long distances with truckers, and talking incessantly so they don't fall asleep while driving. Saving lives while seeing the world.
10. English Princess: I am so cut out for this. Although I adored Princess Diana, I would probably be more of the balcony waving type of princess instead of the visiting AIDs patients kind, though I am not adverse to doing ribbon cuttings and occasional appearances on Good Morning America. Also, I think the Queen, Camilla and I would really enjoy hanging out, drinking soy chais at Starbucks, and talking about that tramp Pippa.
So consider this my official coming out as a working woman. And please, if you know of anyone looking for a 50 year old MILF who enjoys hunting, give them my number.